After the MFA

1. No character ever stands in front of the mirror and narrates what he or she looks like. No matter how sexy, tortured, or intelligent he or she may be.
2. #1 also, sadly, includes rain-stained windows.
3. When one of your stories is being workshopped, if someone says “I– I just don’t get it,” ignore that person for the entire semester. In extreme cases of annoyance, ignore that person for the entire program.
4. In said workshop, make note at what point in the story “I don’t get it” was discussed, and make sure you get it yourself. If you don’t, rewrite.
5. “Muttered,” “sputtered,” “scoffed,” and/or “declared” will never, ever take the place of “said.” No matter how hard you try. Elmore Leonard doesn’t lie.
6. Most of the time, your stories really do suck. Unfortunately, no one has the nuts to tell you so. No one but yourself. Rewrite some more.
7. Writing is actually pretty easy — all you need is concentration; enough personal insight to know what you really want to say; thick skin against all criticism, including “I don’t get it;” and the muscle to throw your heart, bleeding and pumping onto the blank page, exposing it for all the boots and Manolos willing to dig in their well-worn heels and make you bleed even more. Easy.

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